My friend Robert comes over and lays naked on my couch. I start filming. I leave the camera on for 8 minutes as people walk through my living room. Robert stays naked on my green couch, the green couch that my parents bought when they got married. Later I will lose my cellphone in the couch cushions and, digging for it, find a sock that I wore before cellphones were invented. It is now a sock that fits three of my fingers.
I upload the video to youtube with a filter that hides Robert’s nudity. I go to a hotel that I refer to, in my mind, as a “bourgeois-ass hotel” and there are fat middle schoolers doing gang signs in the hotel bar. They tweet at me that they loved my work on youtube, that it reminds them of Harmony Korine, that they are in a class he teaches at their middle school. I tweet back pictures of them doing gang signs in the “bourgeois-ass hotel” and they are thrilled to be in the same building as me. They show me pictures of themselves and Harmony. Harmony is actually Robert Downey Jr.
I remember that if I go upstairs, the hotel turns into my mom’s house. I go to my room. I lay down on the box spring where my twin bed used to be. I go downstairs and out the door to the garage, because the hotel is gone and I am now in my mom’s house. It is summer and Kofi, the Chesapeake Bay Retriever, is outside barking. Everything is green, except for the bright blue FJ Cruiser that I have just remembered is mine. I bought it because I have lots of money now, since my youtube fame among gang sign-throwing middle schoolers has developed. I get inside of my FJ Cruiser. I have barely enough room to sit in it but I can now drive over anything in the world, including an IED, and I will be fine.
I get out of the bright blue FJ Cruiser. I remove the wheels and axles and press a button to deflate it. It is now folded neatly into something the size of a pillow. I go inside. My aunt lets me borrow her hair gel and tries to tell me that I am “doing it wrong.” She says, “trust me, I have been using this gel my whole life!!!” and I say, “Okay well I have had this hair my whole life mostly too so thanks.”
My hair is now perfectly curly. I go to the garage to inflate my vehicle and the backyard is very muddy. Thankfully, I realize that I am wearing waders, and I make to the garage just fine. My friend Daniel is there. I have known him since second grade, when all he had was a bowlcut and unrequited love for me. I attempt to inflate my FJ Cruiser but I do it wrong. It instead inflates into a dirty-ass Chrysler Sebring and I think, “ew.” Daniel shows me how to inflate my car correctly and it is back to FJ Cruiser status. Swag status.
I hop in. I pick Austin Islam up from Texas and we go back to Indianapolis to visit my highschool. The drive takes about 20 minutes. Before exiting the car I use some silver glitter glue to draw a star on my face. I walk through my highschool where I am now famous. Everyone who sees me is thrilled and everything I say is golden, resulting in peals of laughter. I get an ice cream sandwich from the ice cream machine and I get a smack on the ass from the hoodlums in the lunch room. Austin is impressed, understandably. Walking through the hallways of my old highschool is much like walking on an endless red carpet and/or a layer of adoration.
None of this has actually happened, but some of it would be nice. A common side effect of Cymbalta is “abnormal dreams”
i have never had anything as good as you
i will have you for the rest of my life
will have me